So here I am, over a month out from "officially" launching my spiritual business - from finally finding the courage to advertise my "left-field business" to my online community (LinkedIn and Instagram to be exact).
Truth be told, business (the clientele intake) has been slow. While there has been momentum, it wasn't what I (my ego) had initially expected. It hasn't been consistent. It's been quite sporadic actually. Quite "up and down". That said, I had a feeling that things would turn out this way. After all, from a numerology perspective, I am in a "5" personal year. I knew it was going to be a tough slog. I knew it was going to take time, patience, and a whole lot of FAITH!
In numerological terms, "5" represents change, movement, spontaneity, freedom, transformation and... my least favourite aspects, chaos and the "unexpected". If there was a Tarot card that embodied this energy, personally, I'd associate it with the "Tower" card. It's like one of those sudden earthquake moments where you don't have any control over the situation. You are basically forced to pivot OR lose everything that you have worked so hard for. Why? So that you can build new foundations. So that you can start fresh, on a clean slate.
It's an "ego death" of sorts - a stage in your life where you must sacrifice something that your human ego deems as highly important, in order for something new to come forth. In my case, it was my finances. My money. My financial stability had been something that I had worked very hard towards creating. I spent over two decades trying to prove a point to my family and my peers. I worked from the bottom-up to "tick the boxes". To show everyone that although I did not follow the "standard route" (finish high school, go to university, get a high paying academic job etc), I still "made it" in the end. I still achieved all the things that everyone thought I couldn't because of my more unconventional ways of being. (Even my younger self would be surprised!) I purchased my own property. I gradually (ever so slowly) made it to 6 figures. I even managed to pay for my own wedding dress, and injected a significant amount of my own personal funds into the wedding party. Yes, I did. (And no, we didn't "make money" from our wedding).
Truthfully, it had taken me a very, VERY long time to shift from a lack mindset to a more abundant and prosperous one. It took decades for me to shift from the belief that I would always be a "slave" or "servant" to others, to FINALLY realising that I deserved so much more in life and could potentially, one day, become my own kind of "leader".
Yet now, I am intuitively being guided to let it go. To give it all up for an even brighter and better future, and so... I did just that. I resigned from my corporate job last year, with no intent of ever returning to the corporate sector (or working any other job that was out of alignment with what my soul was yearning for). I let go of something that I had become very attached to, something that my ego had felt defined (proved) my worth - my financial position.
Now, from a spiritual perspective, I understand that this is definitely not the case, but due to my own fears around poverty and wanting to be seen as "worthy" (particularly in my parents' eyes), that's what I had felt.
Anyway... So, I let it all go. Just like that. Indeed, it was a bold, risky move.
That said, if I can be totally honest, I am starting to feel the financial pressure. The "crunch". I am beginning to feel lost and unsure of how things are going to unfold? It's been 9 months since I walked away. Initially, I had planned to only take a 3 month "rest period" at most, and after that, I'd start focusing on launching my spiritual business. However, my soul had other plans. It wanted more time, more rest, more peace. My nervous system requested more time to self regulate. I suppose that's what happens when you're running on "survival mode" for so long? Always on the go, always striving for something more. Chasing life. Chasing things. Chasing, chasing, chasing. And the moment you finally stop, it's like your body goes into full shutdown mode.
Truth be told, shortly after leaving my job, I found myself sick for at least 2 weeks. It's like my entire body decided to collapse on me, and didn't want to move or do anything else. I found myself just being "lazy". Sleeping a lot. Resting a lot. Not really doing much. At times I would feel really guilty for being "unproductive" and not working. Especially when people would make insensitive comments like, "It must be nice to be a lady of leisure..." "It must be nice to be able to sleep in every day and do nothing..." Mind you, these comments never felt like they were coming from a positive place. Instead, it felt like I was being heavily judged, or that people were simply envious. In those moments, I would feel a whole lot of anxiety and wonder if I should return to workforce and go back to living a life to please everyone else except myself? But then, a voice would immediately snap me out of it and announce, "IT'S OKAY TO REST! You are allowed to take it easy! It's time to do as YOU please! Don't listen to others! They don't understand your path!" Yep. Anyhow, these are some of the things that one can expect when trying to pursue their dreams and passions.
From a higher perspective, I completely understand that I need to "trust in the process" right now. And honestly, I am trying my very best to "BELIEVE" that everything is going to be okay, but I won't lie, every now and then, I fall into these dark spirals. These mental traps where I start to question if I am even on the right path? What if I am I crazy? What if this is all in my head? Is my intuition truly guiding me? Or is it my own stubbornness to prove a point that has led me here? Should I have really quit my corporate job last year? Should I have launched months earlier? Have I made a big mistake? Should I look for a part time job? And more importantly, does what I do even matter to people? Is it actually helping anyone? What if, what if, WHAT IF...? These are the questions that keep plaguing my mind.
Yep. That "monkey mind" sure likes to keep me up late at night. Especially over the last month.
The uncertainty is deeply unnerving. The fear creeps in and out... in... and out...
On the other end of the spectrum, there is a gentle, more quiet voice that whispers, "It's going to be okay. Don't give up. You've got this. You didn't come this far to stop here. Learn to trust. Let go of the need to know everything. Release all control. Just surrender!"
I kid you not, every time I hear the word "surrender", my ego (lower human self) immediately snaps back with, "SURRENDER?!!?? BUT I HAVE SURRENDERED!!! I gave up a stable, full-time job to follow this path and to be honest, I'm not really sure where this is all leading me right now?!!? I'm starting to feel a whole lot of anxiety and am beginning to fear that things may not work out! My personal funds are close to depleted and I'm just not sure how this is going unfold. I'm SCARED God! I truly am!"
As always, the voice chimes in and gently responds with, "Patience my child. All is well. Trust. Surrender." This essentially leads my ego to rant even more on the subject of "patience". "WHAT??!!! It's been four decades!!! How much more do I have to endure? How much more must I overcome?!? How many more lessons do you want me to learn? And how much more must I wait???? I'm so, so tired... I'm so, so exhausted... Can I just get a break? I just want a break..."
Yes, the internal battles are real. It's like a constant feud between the loud, fearful voice (my ego) and the soft whispers of my soul and spirit. Luckily, for me, I EVENTUALLY lean back towards the more gentle, compassionate voice. Which mind you, took a while for me to master (LISTEN TO)! Once upon a time, I used to always listen to the more dark, sinister voice, and I would believe all the toxic and negative stories it fed me - from being a "nobody that everyone hated", all the way to, "You don't belong here! You don't deserve to be here! You're going to be alone!" Thankfully, I have shifted out of that poisonous mental state.
Upon reflection, I know that I should give myself a little more credit. I have actually come a long, long way. From being a highly insecure, shy, timid girl that did not recognise her own worth, and was too afraid to speak up for herself (especially in the face of unjust treatment), to now, becoming an independent woman that will no longer tolerate anyone's bullsh*t behaviour or projections - a person who is willing to call things out and trigger people if necessary. Not only that, throughout all the chaos and the heavy judgements and criticisms, I still managed to remain heart-centred and heart-led (for the most part). Despite all the difficulties that I have gone through (which many were either unaware of, or refused to acknowledge due to their own victim stories), I still chose love over hatred. I still chose to forgive (or at least, tolerate) people over being nasty and unkind to "punish" them. I still chose to see the good in people - to be open to understanding them. To be patient. To operate in my Divine Feminine energy, and I guess this is what makes me different from most? I guess this is what I'm here to teach others? To teach people to be more receptive and nurturing towards one another, and to see everyone through the eyes of the Creator. To become more understanding, accepting and compassionate. To help people to accept that in most situations, it takes two to tango. To remind people that we are both students and teachers to each other, and those that we attract into our lives are reflecting important aspects about ourselves or insightful lessons, and if we keep attracting the same old patterns (toxic dynamics), there is something we still have not learned.
Anyhow, this is simply a summarised blog post about my "Hero's Journey". A short story on my "big leap of faith". A story around my departure from the "rat race" to pursue my passions.
This is me sharing my truest thoughts and feelings because I don't believe in "pretending" that none of what I am doing is without worry and concern. The fact is, the path of change and personal growth is never easy, but it is through this very process that we can transform ourselves from lead to gold. It is through this process that we become Alchemists and Master Magicians! We become the Master Creators of our own destiny!
P.S. Today is my birthday. I turned 40-something, and I pray that the Great Creator and my Spirit Team grant me my heart's deepest desires and wishes. I also pray that my heart-centred, high vibin' soul tribe flow into my life soon. The ones that truly love, support, and celebrate me and my wins. Thank you in advance for the blessings! I look forward to BIG THINGS!
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